Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
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Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
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Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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