He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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