Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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