You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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