covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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