you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
