I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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