Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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