he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My hand turned me down
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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