bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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