I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
