i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
