"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
barbara walters just said penis...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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