Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
