U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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