I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
