I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
