I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
