you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
