Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
