I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
