Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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