My room smells like vodka and shame
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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