i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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