I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
