so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
