i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
