happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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