just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
