last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
