I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This show inspires me to have sex in space
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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