Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
