I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
