Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
my god I love twenty year old dicks
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
