I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
