Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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