I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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