3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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