My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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