i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
