theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
