You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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