So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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