I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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