please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
