There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I don't deserve a penis
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
