mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
from now on my penis is your penis
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The Olympian is in my bed
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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