I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
