I just pynch a tree in the face
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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