Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
