I just cut my nipple shaving
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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