Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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