So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
