So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
