I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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