Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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