Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
